On Monday I had a date with Miss Bee, on Tuesday with Miss J, and on Wednesday with Miss I.
Let's cheerfully forget about Miss J: she is a nice enough person, but thanks but no thanks. Far too weird for me. And I know weird...
Now, Miss Bee is a nice person too, quite attractive in her own right, intelligent, cheerful, interesting, charming even, but... she isn't a Miss at all. No, not that kind of "not a Miss at all" :-) About to be divorced, two kids, not really living somewhere, torn between friends and families: the work. Been there, done that, I would gladly see her again but I am not up for that kind of involvement. Besides, I am not that sure that she will actually carry on with her divorce plans and my policy is not to interfere with other people life anyway. Mine is busy and complicated enough already, so thank you, it is tempting, but I will have to pass. Nothing new under the Sun.
The interesting part is this: as it was a first date, we exposed our most recent relationships, and I had to talk about Miss I. I said something along the line of "A kind of soft relationship. You know, when no one is really getting it moving". Which isn't true. What would have been true to say would have been "When no one dares to get it moving", or "When no one is confident enough to get it moving".
Which brings us to Miss I.
A little context first: Miss I is finally out of her predicaments, things are looking good for her at last, and we have kind of acknowledged that we have forged some kind of still indefinite bond. Which is an improvement in a way. Another step in the long and tortuous route to wild cats bonding. I know that too...
We ended up in her hallway, having one of these open but veiled and heavily subtexted talks she is so fond of. I rarely congratulate someone, but here I have to give her credit: she has been very close of making me furious. I actually had to go out, telling her that I would write her soon. I had far too much to say and not enough composure left to take it in stride. Not to say that her points weren't valid ones. She got me thinking about a few things. More than a few actually. Yes, I have already conceded it, we do have very different outlooks on, mostly, everything. Yes, I hadn't given a thought about some of my feelings, and, yes again, I dare not go further. Because, the truth is that I do not understand her as much as I would like to feel, not safe, just that I am not heading in the wrong way. The conclusion is that I am now standing right where I was in December 2008 (the 28th, to be precise), which, I gather, was the way I had been feeling for a few months then. I have tried a few things, went to investigate supposedly greener pastures, tried to bury her, to no avail. And still I do not understand what she says she is expecting of me. It is driving me mad when I think of it. The more I try, the more I fail. The more she talks, the less I understand. Still, I keep on trying. And I honestly do not know why. I am a fucking pathetic mess. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to give her some answers, because I know that they will mean something to her, but I do not even know whether or not I have understood her questions. Sometimes it feels like I am a blind man talking about paintings, sometimes like I am talking colours with someone who has Daltonism. I just do not get it. It's like the first time I picked up a Rubik's cube.
Anyway, I do not want to give up. There is something. We both feel it. We just cannot find a way to make it to the light. Maye it is me, maybe it is her, maybe it is both of us. Maybe we need more time just to learn about each other. Maybe, maybe, maybe...
I wrote her something along these lines, as I said I would, and I am still in the dark.
I'll see soon enough ;-)
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