Noise vs signal

The trouble with being smarter than everyone is that you soon learn to block the background noise.

Angry

Anger.

Enduring anger.

Something I usually do not feel. Something I do not know.

Displeasure on occasion, a fit of anger here and there, that I know. Fury on occasions, twice in my life to be precise. 

That I know. That I can deal with.

But not this.

It all started with an email from Ms I earlier today. Well, it all started a long ago, if one really want to dig at the roots.We have been more open toward each for a month or so. We have been quite open about who we were seeing and why. I we have continued this sane disclosure during our email chitchats.

So, to be honest, I shouldn't be surprised. And in fact I was not. She was just telling me that she is feeling frustrated at work, and is compensating by granting herself instant gratification. To be honest, so do I, even though, for me, frustration is not a state I strive to live in, but to each hie, or her, own.

So, my reply to that was that I was busy with work, that I deplored the fact that she had chosen not to spend time with me but that this regret was quite selfish given that my current predicaments forbids me to take proper care of her. Or something to that effect.

It took me four hours to feel angry, and I do not know what angers me most.

• The fact that she is actively looking elsewhere? She told me, I knew, and even though this situation is not to my liking, to say the least, well, I understand.
• The fact that she has deliberately chosen not to contact me? Well, nothing really new here.
• The fact that I took the pain to be gracious when I was not feeling gracious at all? Well, that's closer to it.
• The fact that I might have given her the impression that I do not care, that this is all well and dandy in the best of all possible worlds. That's even more angering.

So my guess is that it is a combination of all that, all the things I am not comfortable with but that I pretend not to disapprove (in other world: lies), and all the things I have made to make me at least appearing not to disapprove (mor elies and even worst, lying to myself).

I am quite angry with her, but, above all, I am furious with myself.

Jeez, this is a "I have to work on myself day", and not an easy one...

Schrödinger meets von Moltke

Remember him?

Thought so ;-)

I have had an epiphany the other day.

I was talking about project management methodologies with a colleague, and he jokingly referred to quantum theory, saying something to the effect that the amount of effort put to analyse a new project before it is even formally started is by no way an ndicator of its future success. I replied something like "von Moltke uncertainty principle" and we both had a laugh and that was the end of it. 

But still, this conversation was running in crcles in the back of my mind, like a song you hear early in the morning and that you cannot get out of your mind for the rest of the day.

It took some time to percolate.

I plan. I love planning. I build intricate plans, try to take each and every parameters into account, have backup plans, alternate routes, different sets of objectives, redudant reources pre-allocation, min/max cases, critical paths by enveloppe and super critical ones. I take pride and derive a lot of self-esteem from that work. In effect, planning becomes more satisfying than doing. Which would be bad if I wasn't actually accomplishing something factual from time to time, but still feels wrong when I look at the time I have spent planning for things that I haven't done.

So, von Moltke emphasises the fact that even though a plan cannot be perfect, that, at some point, you will have to improvise to some extent. But, ultimately, all of this planning is worthless when it is not being put to use. Your plan is there, but what will it lead you into? You have to actually open the box and take a look at the cat.

And you open the door and you step inside...

Well, all of this I knew already. I hadn't really thought it out fully, but I knew of the implications. What I hadn't realised was that my love for planning had slowly encroached on most aspects of my life. And that because I am feeling the need to have "backup plans", I have developped an unhealthy tendancy to keep my options open. There is nothing inherently wrong with keeping one's options open. However, when you never exercise one of them, it is worrying. I feel like I have spent most of my time identifying doors, looking through their keyholes, but rarely opening them and actualy stepping inside. Paradoxically, even though these options provide me with a wide range of alternatives allowing me to safely choose the course I want, I just felt my world feeling with uncertainties.  

I will have to take action on that. But right now, I do not know where to start or what to do.