Angry

Anger.

Enduring anger.

Something I usually do not feel. Something I do not know.

Displeasure on occasion, a fit of anger here and there, that I know. Fury on occasions, twice in my life to be precise. 

That I know. That I can deal with.

But not this.

It all started with an email from Ms I earlier today. Well, it all started a long ago, if one really want to dig at the roots.We have been more open toward each for a month or so. We have been quite open about who we were seeing and why. I we have continued this sane disclosure during our email chitchats.

So, to be honest, I shouldn't be surprised. And in fact I was not. She was just telling me that she is feeling frustrated at work, and is compensating by granting herself instant gratification. To be honest, so do I, even though, for me, frustration is not a state I strive to live in, but to each hie, or her, own.

So, my reply to that was that I was busy with work, that I deplored the fact that she had chosen not to spend time with me but that this regret was quite selfish given that my current predicaments forbids me to take proper care of her. Or something to that effect.

It took me four hours to feel angry, and I do not know what angers me most.

• The fact that she is actively looking elsewhere? She told me, I knew, and even though this situation is not to my liking, to say the least, well, I understand.
• The fact that she has deliberately chosen not to contact me? Well, nothing really new here.
• The fact that I took the pain to be gracious when I was not feeling gracious at all? Well, that's closer to it.
• The fact that I might have given her the impression that I do not care, that this is all well and dandy in the best of all possible worlds. That's even more angering.

So my guess is that it is a combination of all that, all the things I am not comfortable with but that I pretend not to disapprove (in other world: lies), and all the things I have made to make me at least appearing not to disapprove (mor elies and even worst, lying to myself).

I am quite angry with her, but, above all, I am furious with myself.

Jeez, this is a "I have to work on myself day", and not an easy one...