Short story long

or why not to date on the job...

Yesterday, I talked about how "getting involved with a colleague" was "bad for business and for her". Let's go back to that.

First, let me state that I do not date on the job. Not usually. It is already hard enough to get things rolling the right way without involving personal feelings in the first place, so better stay professional and keep it at that. But, sometimes, just being professional may lead to mutual attraction. This is what happened with Miss J.

Summer of 2008. The days are grey, and it is raining cats and dogs, interspersed by a few bouts of mean sunlight and 90°. The air conditioned office is nice and cosy. And we are busy putting the finishing touches to a challenging project while everyone else is away.
In other words: it was a very positive time of accomplishment, expected success and hard pressure. Dealing with the unexpected, changing requirements, miscommunication and missing resources was hard, but we were seeing the end of it. We were making it happen. We were doing something together, building something that mattered. We couldn't but see each other inputs, qualities, shortcomings, had to rely upon each other. Stress may break people. For us, it just gave us the opportunity to be more than good, to build a sense of common achievement. Sometimes, you do not need more to become real close to someone. I had already experienced this kind of situation, albeit in a wholly different context. And I fell flat on my nose. I should have known better.
A few dates later, it became quite evident that there was something growing. And, when I came to my senses, that I didn't wanted it. There were good and bad reasons for it. Ten years is a big gap. We didn't speak the same languages fluently, except for engineered ones. Lifestyle differences. Cultural differences. We were working daily together and I didn't wanted to bring work at home, or the other way around. And I just couldn't picture myself living through this situation. Dealing with the colleagues. The hierarchy. Then the fallout. The inevitable part where I was to be the bad guy.
But I didn't told her that.
I told her that our relationship was against policy.
Which was true. But not true enough.
By the next week she had a solution: temporary personnel reassignment. She was enthusiastic about it, the job was more to her liking and it had it all: good compensation, learning and career opportunities. To me, it just meant that I wouldn't have to see her much, and not at all during the cross training period. So I played along, and took some space. Grew distant. She kind of went along with that for a while. But when the dream job turned out to be far less interesting than she expected and became quite horrendous, she turned out to me for support. Which I provided her with.
Around the same time, I had a chance encounter with Miss I. She was parking her car. I was bringing back some DVDs. We shouldn't have met: I am never around this part of town at that time, but I was driving a colleague back home, so this day I left the office earlier than I usually do to avoid the traffic jams. We had always been friendly to each other. I liked her, we had common friends, a bit of an history, I didn't knew her much, but she was "safe". So we scheduled a date.
The next time I saw Miss J, I told her I was seeing someone else.

What follows is in here, somewhere ;-)

In the end, what have I got? Miss J is back to her old job and is turning into being a psycho bitch from hell whenever I am concerned, how sweet of you to remember the anniversary darling ; and I have managed to make me lose Miss I, the one and only "true" woman I know.
Tell me about killing two birds with one stone...

Miss J wanted to get close to me, got burnt twice and is back with a vengeance. Just because I couldn't tell her "Thank you, but it stops right here and right now because I do not love you, I just like working with you.", just because there was an easy way out: "There are plenty of recommendations on how to get out of trouble cheaply and fast. Most of them come down to this: Deny your responsibility.". Ad now, my dear boy, I am paying the price...

I wanted to get close to Miss I for the wrong reason. Then I learned to know her, grew fond of her. But I was thinking that she was just a pretext, a convenient excuse. Then she became a problem. Because I had taken a very wrong start. When I finally realised who she is, that I loved her, it was too late for me to regain my footing, make things right. I had the reason, I had the motivation. But I had lost the tempo. So I tried to go on with what we had, but I never really gave us a chance to build something: I started too late, was hesitant when I shouldn't have been, because at the time I thought it was at best an act, at worst a lie. And I got burnt. Or, more exactly, I have managed to burn myself.

Now, for the conclusion, well, I don't know. I am not finished with Miss I, because I do not want to. I do not want to get hurt again, so, as I said yesterday, I have a few issues of my own to address and I'll see how things will turn out. Unfortunately, Miss J is not finished with me. I'll have to live with this situation a few more months. And I do not know where Miss I stands. But I can guess. And this one I'll have to live with far much longer.

A good case of "Do as I say, don't do as I do" ;-)