The long and dreaded Pickle post. It seems that I absolutely have to write something like this each year. Well, there is no escape, so let's do it.
By the end of last year I was quite decided to put a stop to the Pickle affair. I was, and still am, convinced that she is a nice person, that her qualities far outweigh her few defects and that she is as close as one can get to my ideal woman. However, things were going nowhere I wanted them to, I was frustrated and somewhat in pain. I was feeling that I have had enough, that however nice she is our relationship was essentially detrimental to me, mainly because of my own shortcomings. So the plan was to just shut her off and go where the grass is greener. I asked for advice, even got some I was not asking for, saw other people and just tried to get over. Do I really need to mention that my endeavour was met with less than resounding success?
Then there was the new year eve. I have a standing invitation with Mr. G., and her wife, the dreadful Mrs. G., has got in the obdurate mind of her that the HR Gal and me are a perfect match. Nobody wants to cross Mrs. G. She is a red haired smiling petite Manx barely five feet tall who is usually very sociable, agreeable and polished, and who can also harbour long lasting grudges that she occasionally frees in a flurry of heavily accented Gaelic and/or acerbic and unwarranted comments. The and/or part comes from the fact that it is quite difficult to say what she means when she curses, but, from the sound of it, it must be bad.
So the HR Gal and me played her game, the HR Gal because Mrs. G is her boss's wife, and me out of abject fear. It was not so bad: the HR Gal is a great flirt, and had a few titbits of sound advice. It wasn't really the kind of chat I had in mind, but she broached he subject by going back to our last talk, so I went on with it. Most of her advice may be summed up by "Why would some things be different? Nothing is fully innate. When you know that your understanding is lacking, you learn. The 'For Dummies' series is a good starting point.". I even got a few professional references from her own library . The pro had spoken. This coincided quite well with the Kindle for iPhone becoming available, so now I am reading "Intimacy for complete idiots". I figured that it should be fitting, and it actually is :-)
Since then, the Pickle and I have met twice. And I am still convinced that she actually is a lot of what I allow myself to see. Am I deceiving myself? Possibly: I am hardly objective when she is concerned, but I am not that blind to myself so self deception is very partial. Do I need to stay in a relationship that, from my own admitting, is painful? Certainly not. So three points need to be addressed.
The first part is working on my own shortcomings when I build a relationship. I have never realized how truly I have been blessed in the past when I dated long lasting friends. A lot of things went unsaid because there was never really a need to say them: we knew each other so well already. And when I dated someone new, well, we all knew, or possibly I knew and/or was intent, from the start that it was not to be an everlasting affair. No wonder I am on such good terms with my exes: either I never gave them something to hurt me, either we do not have to. Failure as its own reward, what a nice person I am. Mr G. once told me that my foremost quality is fortitude. The Archi told me it was resilience. Great in the field, however, translated into woman speak, it must mean something like stubborn and opinionated. Not that I do not like it or wish to be any different, being me is still a lot of fun, just that I probably should consider being a trifle more empathic and open ;-)
The second part is about bringing some objectivity. Why the Pickle? Why now? So let's do some magic, label magic. "Change the brand, change the good." The Pickle is dead, long live Miss I. Miss I is not an issue, she is a person. I know what I want with perfect clarity. It is true that it wasn't so when we first started to date. Long story short: I was getting involved with a colleague and didn't wanted it to go any further because it was bad for business and for her. "bad for business and for her"(sic)... This one just shows the depth of my feelings... Anyway, Miss I was never an issue. I had one. I had to make a choice, and I made it. But I never acknowledged my own conviction and I kept seeing our relationship as an alternative, not a firm decision.
The third part is about the relationship itself. Staying in it as it currently is is clearly not an option. And seeing it as it is, namely a failure, would be an improvement. The failure is not complete, but what I have is not what I want. It is not an abject failure, but a failure nonetheless. And it is a failure because I am allowing myself to see it that way. A lot of things would be easier if I had lesser expectations. So let's cut back on that.
Looking back on the last year, I see that we haven't changed a lot, even though our particular circumstances have. We have a lot of different worries now, and, all in all, more complex lives than a year ago, because we are facing different challenges. From my point of view, I am getting richer by being confronted to them as well as by observing how she is coping. I think that we may bring a lot to each other, but not necessarily what I initially envisioned.
Now, armed with my new found wisdom, I should be able to take things as they come.
Do I need her? Well, objectively, no. I do not need her like I do not need andouillette or cigars: I can live without and I know that it is bad for my heart, but it is so good ;-)
By the end of last year I was quite decided to put a stop to the Pickle affair. I was, and still am, convinced that she is a nice person, that her qualities far outweigh her few defects and that she is as close as one can get to my ideal woman. However, things were going nowhere I wanted them to, I was frustrated and somewhat in pain. I was feeling that I have had enough, that however nice she is our relationship was essentially detrimental to me, mainly because of my own shortcomings. So the plan was to just shut her off and go where the grass is greener. I asked for advice, even got some I was not asking for, saw other people and just tried to get over. Do I really need to mention that my endeavour was met with less than resounding success?
Then there was the new year eve. I have a standing invitation with Mr. G., and her wife, the dreadful Mrs. G., has got in the obdurate mind of her that the HR Gal and me are a perfect match. Nobody wants to cross Mrs. G. She is a red haired smiling petite Manx barely five feet tall who is usually very sociable, agreeable and polished, and who can also harbour long lasting grudges that she occasionally frees in a flurry of heavily accented Gaelic and/or acerbic and unwarranted comments. The and/or part comes from the fact that it is quite difficult to say what she means when she curses, but, from the sound of it, it must be bad.
So the HR Gal and me played her game, the HR Gal because Mrs. G is her boss's wife, and me out of abject fear. It was not so bad: the HR Gal is a great flirt, and had a few titbits of sound advice. It wasn't really the kind of chat I had in mind, but she broached he subject by going back to our last talk, so I went on with it. Most of her advice may be summed up by "Why would some things be different? Nothing is fully innate. When you know that your understanding is lacking, you learn. The 'For Dummies' series is a good starting point.". I even got a few professional references from her own library . The pro had spoken. This coincided quite well with the Kindle for iPhone becoming available, so now I am reading "Intimacy for complete idiots". I figured that it should be fitting, and it actually is :-)
Since then, the Pickle and I have met twice. And I am still convinced that she actually is a lot of what I allow myself to see. Am I deceiving myself? Possibly: I am hardly objective when she is concerned, but I am not that blind to myself so self deception is very partial. Do I need to stay in a relationship that, from my own admitting, is painful? Certainly not. So three points need to be addressed.
The first part is working on my own shortcomings when I build a relationship. I have never realized how truly I have been blessed in the past when I dated long lasting friends. A lot of things went unsaid because there was never really a need to say them: we knew each other so well already. And when I dated someone new, well, we all knew, or possibly I knew and/or was intent, from the start that it was not to be an everlasting affair. No wonder I am on such good terms with my exes: either I never gave them something to hurt me, either we do not have to. Failure as its own reward, what a nice person I am. Mr G. once told me that my foremost quality is fortitude. The Archi told me it was resilience. Great in the field, however, translated into woman speak, it must mean something like stubborn and opinionated. Not that I do not like it or wish to be any different, being me is still a lot of fun, just that I probably should consider being a trifle more empathic and open ;-)
The second part is about bringing some objectivity. Why the Pickle? Why now? So let's do some magic, label magic. "Change the brand, change the good." The Pickle is dead, long live Miss I. Miss I is not an issue, she is a person. I know what I want with perfect clarity. It is true that it wasn't so when we first started to date. Long story short: I was getting involved with a colleague and didn't wanted it to go any further because it was bad for business and for her. "bad for business and for her"(sic)... This one just shows the depth of my feelings... Anyway, Miss I was never an issue. I had one. I had to make a choice, and I made it. But I never acknowledged my own conviction and I kept seeing our relationship as an alternative, not a firm decision.
The third part is about the relationship itself. Staying in it as it currently is is clearly not an option. And seeing it as it is, namely a failure, would be an improvement. The failure is not complete, but what I have is not what I want. It is not an abject failure, but a failure nonetheless. And it is a failure because I am allowing myself to see it that way. A lot of things would be easier if I had lesser expectations. So let's cut back on that.
Looking back on the last year, I see that we haven't changed a lot, even though our particular circumstances have. We have a lot of different worries now, and, all in all, more complex lives than a year ago, because we are facing different challenges. From my point of view, I am getting richer by being confronted to them as well as by observing how she is coping. I think that we may bring a lot to each other, but not necessarily what I initially envisioned.
Now, armed with my new found wisdom, I should be able to take things as they come.
Do I need her? Well, objectively, no. I do not need her like I do not need andouillette or cigars: I can live without and I know that it is bad for my heart, but it is so good ;-)
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