I have just spent another very pleasant afternoon and evening with The Pickle.
Despite our seemingly irreconcilable outlooks on life, love, politics and almost everything else actually, it seems that we are according the same value to being humane, but probably not for the same reasons. What is nice with someone like her is that you always end up with some insight, not always that easy to see because it is most often lost in contrast. It is getting to the point where I sometimes feel that we have a semantically understandable conversation that we are understanding in very different ways: it is like we are sharing the same language but not its meaning. Weird. Well, "I like weird!", as Mrs R. would say. Anyway, we are both too kind for our own good.
The hardest thing to do is not giving up on your dreams, it is just to understand that you are dreaming. Waking up is easy then. I guess that this goes for both of us.
So, when someone tells you "So, are you giving up?", never, ever, answer "No, I am just giving you the opportunity to give in. Because I truly do not know what else I can do.", just stay silent. Because you haven't given up on your dreams, you are just conceding that while someone might have been wrong, you just do not really know who. Maybe you, maybe not you, maybe both of you, maybe none of you. Of course, this attitude implies that you have no regret whatsoever. And I do not have the slightest one.
I do not feel any different toward her. I do not feel that I am giving up. I just feel empty. Not like I have failed, because failing implies that we where both playing the same game. It is more like one is playing cricket with a mallet and the other polo with a bat, both on the same field, trying to figure out the rules and each one always scoring according to its own standard. Meeting not like trains in the night, but like a horse ad a greyhound pulling up the same cart, so to speak. I'll let you figure out who is who ;-) I just feel that it has all been meaningless and vain, while still being instructive without having exactly grasped what it was all about. Which is a shame really, as I have been the one who initiated the whole thing and kept it going ;-) So I guess that The Pickle and I will stay friends and that time will tell. Most probably not much, as Chronos, by virtue of having three mouths, knows better than anyone that silence is golden ;-)
In a way, were The Pickle to be a sorting algorithm, she would never break the nlogn barrier. Always comparing, never evaluating to an external scale (TM someone, fuzzy reminiscence). But, then again, efficiency is not always the name of the game, and is heavily dependant on context anyway.
All in all, when all is said and done, what is left? Am I hurt? No. Do I bear shame or regret? No. Would I do the same again? Yes. Should I do the same again? Probably not. Do I want to do the same again? Yes. Why shouldn't I be doing the same thing again? Because I could find more efficient ways to achieve a similar end.
But we all know that it is not always all about efficiency, don't we? We all know that it is about being, willing and feeling, none of them being particularly efficient in its own right.
So, to a good night and a good friend: may we grow in understanding while still being different enough to be able to amaze and befuddle each other. Cheers to that ;-)
Despite our seemingly irreconcilable outlooks on life, love, politics and almost everything else actually, it seems that we are according the same value to being humane, but probably not for the same reasons. What is nice with someone like her is that you always end up with some insight, not always that easy to see because it is most often lost in contrast. It is getting to the point where I sometimes feel that we have a semantically understandable conversation that we are understanding in very different ways: it is like we are sharing the same language but not its meaning. Weird. Well, "I like weird!", as Mrs R. would say. Anyway, we are both too kind for our own good.
The hardest thing to do is not giving up on your dreams, it is just to understand that you are dreaming. Waking up is easy then. I guess that this goes for both of us.
So, when someone tells you "So, are you giving up?", never, ever, answer "No, I am just giving you the opportunity to give in. Because I truly do not know what else I can do.", just stay silent. Because you haven't given up on your dreams, you are just conceding that while someone might have been wrong, you just do not really know who. Maybe you, maybe not you, maybe both of you, maybe none of you. Of course, this attitude implies that you have no regret whatsoever. And I do not have the slightest one.
I do not feel any different toward her. I do not feel that I am giving up. I just feel empty. Not like I have failed, because failing implies that we where both playing the same game. It is more like one is playing cricket with a mallet and the other polo with a bat, both on the same field, trying to figure out the rules and each one always scoring according to its own standard. Meeting not like trains in the night, but like a horse ad a greyhound pulling up the same cart, so to speak. I'll let you figure out who is who ;-) I just feel that it has all been meaningless and vain, while still being instructive without having exactly grasped what it was all about. Which is a shame really, as I have been the one who initiated the whole thing and kept it going ;-) So I guess that The Pickle and I will stay friends and that time will tell. Most probably not much, as Chronos, by virtue of having three mouths, knows better than anyone that silence is golden ;-)
In a way, were The Pickle to be a sorting algorithm, she would never break the nlogn barrier. Always comparing, never evaluating to an external scale (TM someone, fuzzy reminiscence). But, then again, efficiency is not always the name of the game, and is heavily dependant on context anyway.
All in all, when all is said and done, what is left? Am I hurt? No. Do I bear shame or regret? No. Would I do the same again? Yes. Should I do the same again? Probably not. Do I want to do the same again? Yes. Why shouldn't I be doing the same thing again? Because I could find more efficient ways to achieve a similar end.
But we all know that it is not always all about efficiency, don't we? We all know that it is about being, willing and feeling, none of them being particularly efficient in its own right.
So, to a good night and a good friend: may we grow in understanding while still being different enough to be able to amaze and befuddle each other. Cheers to that ;-)
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